Friday, July 20, 2012

The Theory of Quinque Nuisances

There are these times when you feel that you’ve discovered something big. In the days of yore, you could express your ecstasy of discovery by running out of your bath tub sans clothes and well meaning people would write about it in good spirit. Not anymore.  Thanks to this space here, I can put down some serious, profound, and thought provoking stuff and be at peace with myself.

On the day of Friday, July 20, 2012, allow me to present to you- The Theory of Quinque Nuisances:

"Almost all of our everyday miseries are the consequence of a carefully laid out strategy, put in effect by a coterie of 5 real creatures, whose existence can at best be defined as imaginary"
Essentially, the theory points out that there are 5 creatures who are responsible for most of our daily troubles.

While a detailed elucidation of this theory is worthy of a doctoral thesis, I will put down, in fairly simple words, an introduction to each of these 5 mischief makers:

1. The Sharp Shitters: Every evening, after you have retired to the comfort of your home, a species of mean looking, crow type of creatures, which are not really crows but just look like them, get down to work. While you lie on our couch, wiggling your toes, watching TV, the Sharp Shitters work out a sinister plan to bathe you with a load of semi solid , ultra stinking, shit when you get out for that all important meeting the next morning. They are silent assassins who deliver the lethal bogie with such stealth that unsuspecting humans can never manage a successful attempt to escape. 

The Sharp Shitters look very much like crows, just that they aren't  really crows

A word of advice: Expect a headshot from them most of the time, except when you have worn that really expensive white shirt, bought especially for the day. On such occasions, they use super diluted bombs to spray your shirt in patches of yellow and brown.

2. The Time Eaters: Remember those instances when you couldn't finish the exam paper in time? When the heartless examiner would yank the answer sheet from underneath your desperately fast moving, ink gurgling fountain pen, and you continued to write on the sheet even as it got pulled away? If you thought it was all about your poor time management skills, you are mistaken. You've been the victim of the vicious Time Eaters.
The Time Eaters are these little winged monsters, with a set of tiny, sharp teeth, who feed on time. If you looked hard enough, you might find one nibbling away 'seconds' on the wall clock in your room right now.

A Time Eater can have a good time just by eating time

It is easy to think of them as harmless, after all, we all want to kill time sometime, so it couldn't be too bad that there's someone doing just that for us right? Wrong. You see, the problem is that much like the way we have a preference for certain kinds of food, the Time Eaters have this insatiable appetite for 'critical time'. In fact, they despise 'idle time' the way kids despise spinach, and don't feed on it unless they are starving or something.Here’s the single rule that time eaters live by:

Critical Time = Yummy Time

If there's a way to handle the Time Eaters, it hasn't been discovered yet. You could try spraying all the watches and clocks you own with pest killers but all you would really manage to kill, would be some more time in the process.

3. The Farty Thieves: No one could ever figure out where spoons vanished from our kitchens, or for that matter, where our socks, car keys and pens go so often. The objects might be trivial but the mystery behind their frequent disappearances has been troubling humans for centuries. In such a scenario, where all possible explanations lead to nothingness, the only plausible answer is the existence of Farty Thieves - the swindlers of the trivial.

Farty Thieves live in our wardrobes, kitchen shelves, old trunks and refrigerators. If you saw one upclose, you would find it to be tiny, extremely innocent looking with large twinkling eyes, and little hands which are perpetually raised as if they are carrying something on their heads. Placed on these raised hands, you might find  a spoon from your kitchen, while they are on the run.

The hands of a Farty Thief are always raised, with or without a stolen object

They might look innocuous, but these little filchers have a unique defence mechanism - when in danger of being caught, they let out a lethal fart which can scar you for life. Trust me , of all the things you'd want to be scared with, a fart would be the last.

4. The Sockrates: There's this feeling that you get, when you are making an important presentation, or appearing for an interview , of words arising from inside your stomach but not finding their way out of your mouth, as if, someone had stuffed a sock in it. The next time that happens, consider a pepper spray assault into your mouth and you might just end up blinding one of the evil Sockrates.

Sockrates are a group highly malicious elvish creatures whose only motivation in life is to stuff people's mouth with socks. They are specially attracted to people who are dressed formally and appear to be making an important point in a seemingly career defining moment. The interesting bit is that these little beasts have taken such liking to the corporate world, that they are usually dressed in a 3 piece, unless, its a Friday.

Sockrates believe that their formal attires reflect their professionalism 

I also have strong reasons to believe that the Farty Thieves and Sockrates have struck a deal. That kind of explains where all those socks come from. While there is not much that you can do about Sockrates, you can at least hope, that the sock they stuff in your mouth is your own.

5. The Lost Hair Benders: Did you know that there's someone out there, whose idea of a serious occupation is messing up people's hair? The Lost Hair Benders are exactly that. They live with this inexplicable feeling of being lost all the time and the absurd hope that they can find themselves somewhere in tufts of human hair. Over the last several centuries, they have travelled across human heads looking for themselves but their quest seems to be never ending. There are stories of some who ventured into exploring animals , but they soon realized that that it was far more fun looking through the softer human hair.

The next time you have a bad hair day, you can tell yourself that it's most likely the job of a bunch of lanky , bell-bottom wearing, crazy eyed, Hair Benders who are looking desperately for themselves, through your head. 

The crazy eyes of a Hair Bender can make him look kind of crazy

So that's the gist of what my theory says. This might jolt you a bit, might even give you a sleepless night or two, but you dont want to not believe something as obvious as this. Be sane, be safe. May the Dark Knight be with you.

Special Credits: All illustrations have been done by Mayank, a good friend and a fellow believer in the Theory of Quinque Nuisances. He enjoys having sausages for breakfast and dresses himself up as Batman when he sketches. Mayank is open to doing illustration assignments that can be paid for through a cup of tea and tickets to The Dark Knight Rises. You can connect with him on Google Plus or Twitter


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