Friday, June 29, 2012

Coffee and the Sunday evening ritual

The thing about coffee, I mean good coffee, is that it really gets you thinking. The dose of caffeine enveloped in a bitter taste, accentuated by a warm aroma, does just enough to get those neurons working on the double. 

There’s a secret about coffee, known only to a select few, most of who have stumbled upon it in serendipity - When you consume coffee at 10:52 PM on a Sunday after having kebabs for dinner, it makes you crazy (Source: the halffried book of things that drive you crazy). I didn’t believe this until I tried it last Sunday. I followed the ritual and waited for something to happen. Apparently, nothing did. So I sat down to do some serious writing about a few things that had been bothering me for a while. Here’s a copy of my work from that night.

Sunday, 11:00 PM

Aamir Khan to Partner Leander Paes in the Olympics

In a move which took the entire Bollywood and tennis fraternity by surprise, film star Aamir Khan has proposed to partner Leander Paes for the forthcoming London Olympics tennis events. As confirmed by an internal source, the AITA is seriously contemplating the offer. “Aamir is versatile. He has demonstrated that he can play a variety of roles and this should be no different for him. It’s both an opportunity to play and roll in the grass” disclosed the source on a condition of anonymity.

In a telephonic interview with our special correspondent, Aamir also expressed his willingness to partner Paes in the mixed doubles event. “I have experience of playing female roles also. I can be good. I mean, I’ll shave my legs if that’s what it takes but I’ll ‘serve’ the purpose well”. All our attempts to talk to Leander Paes failed but he did reply through an SMS - “I am sorry I have a sore throat with all the crying and all.. I mean no one wants to play with me, not even Sania. But I am excited to have this offer from Aamir. I have seen his work in Satyamev Jatyate; he’s got balls... What else can one ask for from his Tennis partner :) 

Meanwhile, Mahesh Bhupati has gone incommunicado. We spoke to Bhupati Sr. and this is what he had to say- “My son is feeling cheated. He has locked himself up in his room and has been throwing objects around in fury.”

Sunday, 11:25 PM

Manmohan Speaks. Really.

The nation was shocked when a candid camera caught Mr. Manmohan Singh speaking. The camera was originally setup for a reality show but captured Mr. Singh while on a test run.

The footage, which has been banned for public viewing, shows an excited Mr. Singh hopping around playing a game that some experts have identified as ‘Kit-Kit’, an Indian version of the famous hopscotch game popular with children. Mr. Singh was heard saying “Kit-Kit” several times during the 2.5 minutes video, debunking the myth that he can’t speak. In a press statement, Mr. Singh’s spokesperson condemned the media for spreading incorrect information. “Mr. Singh wasn’t saying anything. A total of at least 72 muscles are used in the act of speaking. We have submitted a report from leading physiotherapists, which confirms that Mr. Singh was using only 37 muscles in the recorded act. So, he was far from speaking.”

Interestingly, the video has raised the awareness levels of ‘Kit-Kit’ several notches. At the time of publishing this piece, Kit-Kit was trending on Twitter and was the most looked up term on Google in the last 12 hours

Sunday, 11:45 PM

The Answer to the Famous Question – “Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?”, Finally Found

A team of great thinkers from 7 countries has claimed to have finally discovered the answer to the question that has been bothering mankind for centuries. The thinkers, who have been on this project for over 10 years now, have declared that the answer was discovered in a small village of Haryana, India. As per the statement filed by the team, the answer revealed itself when one of the researchers asked the question to a seemingly angry, hot headed Harayanvi jaat, Dhurandar Singh. Here’s a transcript of the video:

Researcher: Bhai saab, do you know why did the chicken cross the road?
Dhurandar Singh: Bhains ki Aankh!
Researcher: Eureka!

A section of the official statement reads - “We knew we had it, the moment we first heard it. The answer - Bhains ki Aankh, which means buffalo’s eye in Hindi, is as complex as the question itself and unbelievably profound.”

In a detailed explanation to the world media, Prof. Cdot, who heads the team, stated- “We were all quite amazed by it. It’s a remarkably complete answer and a big relief, really. We can finally sleep in peace”

Monday, 00:01 AM

So, I figured what happens when you have coffee at 10:52 PM on a Sunday after having kebabs for dinner - you end up writing shockingly brilliant stuff that is likely to come true in near future. Also, the brilliance kind of peaks towards midnight and then abruptly vanishes, leaving you in deep sleep. I think I’ll follow the ritual again this week. Maybe, someday, I’ll be known for being better than India TV in news entertainment. Until then, I’ll keep up the good work, one cup of coffee at a time.

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